What Could Have Been

I was listening to the radio yesterday, and a researcher came on talking about the validity of breast cancer treatments. As he was speaking, I wondered what would have happened if I had chosen to continue my studies in science, and completed a Masters or even obtained a Ph. D. Both my mother and father found vocations you could say had been their calling. My mother was a nurse, and my father is an über scientist. I got three Bachelor degrees (Science, Forestry, and Education), and I am currently a stay at home mom. My next thought was, if I had stayed to do a Masters at UBC, I would not have the family I have right now. I probably would still be living in Vancouver, very far away from my family.

It is difficult to regret choices you made in your life because they all led to where you are right now. Some of what is happening right now might not be the greatest, but there are people around you, and experiences you've had that you could not imagine not being there. Our choices and circumstances have led us to this place. If you are not happy with where you are, change your future, but do not regret your past.

One incident in particular holds a lot of bitterness for me. I was days from having a permanent teaching position when I was passed up for someone they claimed had more experience. I was blindsided because the only reason I did not get the job was because I was too expensive to hire. The board hired a brand new teacher, who was at least $10,000 more "affordable". She was not more experienced. Maybe if the position had not been a government initiative, with a set amount of funding, it would have been different.

I was pissed off and ended up taking a job working as an interpreter for the Lake Laurentian Conservation Area. It was a significant pay decrease, but it was a job, and I was still teaching, despite not being in a school setting. The position was only for three months. It was over by November. Being off work enabled me to stay with my parents in Oakville for a couple of weeks in early December.

My husband and I had been having trouble conceiving. We had met with the specialist in the summer, but the timing did not work well because we got married in August, and had a family reunion in July, both occurring around the weeks I needed to be monitored for fertility treatments. If I had had a permanent teaching position, it would have been unlikely I would have taken the time off late fall to pursue treatments, even with my growing frustration at not getting pregnant naturally.

There were two things I wanted more than anything the fall of 2006. I wanted to start my teaching career again, and I wanted to start a family. I was obsessing about being 35 and childless. For some reason the age 35 was worse to me than 36, but not only that. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to have a family more than be a teacher.

Our first and only treatment was successful. I conceived my daughter (thank goodness only my daughter because I had 18 ovules ready to go) through IUI shortly before my 34th birthday. Then, I was lucky enough to land two long term teaching positions from January to June, with enough of a break between the two contracts to visit friends in Winnipeg. I was able to claim a full year's worth of EI as maternity leave with my daughter. I conceived my son a couple of month's into the following school year.

So, no point regretting what happened to me because it allowed me to have my two children, and have the family I wanted so badly. But, what do I do now? My father is starting his second book. My mother had a fulfilling career as an occupational health nurse. I never quite found the thing I could be passionate about. I wanted to be a photographer, a singer, a marine biologist, an ecologist. If I had any talent, it would be have been fantastic to be a "kindie" musician or a writer. I still think I could write French children's songs, but I am not a musician. I am trying to write this blog, but who am I kidding? Everyone has a blog.

I fell into teaching. I was kind of doing it during university, through summer jobs. I enjoyed teaching when I had my own class. I do not particularly enjoy it right now. Daily subbing is stressful. Taking over some else's class for a few weeks or months is stressful. Cleaning up after less than stellar teachers is stressful. Dealing with the entitled generation is stressful.

I had even resigned myself to being a permanent substitute teacher, but the last couple of years have been quite dry. It has not been so bad because I have been able to stay home with my children. My son starts school in September, full time, and I have no idea what I am going to do. I think about trying something else, but I am 40. I really do not feel like starting over from scratch.

I search the job bank. I try to figure out if there is something I am truly good at, that would be fulfilling, and pay me. I write my blog, and wonder if I will be able to start writing a book about my mom when both kids are in school. I so desperately want to honour my mother who is quickly disappearing. For now, I need to figure out what can be, instead of what could have been.

By the way, don't get too excited about my father's books. Unless you are in his specific field, it will be of no interest to you. But, he did dedicate the book to all of us, kids and grandkids.

http://www.springer.com/materials/mechanics/book/978-1-4471-4194-5

 

 

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Gender Bending

Yesterday was an interesting day to explore gender identity with my children. We picked up some free skates from the Sudbury Skate Exchange. Neither of my kids had their own skates. Last year, my daughter borrowed a pair from the school, and we didn't bother getting any for my son since he was only two years old.

On Friday, my daughter came home with a pair of skates from her school. They are generic, grey, plastic skates, and they have an adjustable inner boot. They can fit feet sized 8 to 11. The school sent them home for us to get sharpened. My daughter was happy to have the skates, but when we mentioned we might get her some of her own, she became very excited. My son too. He really wants to try skating.

Unfortunately, the skate exchange did not have small hockey skates. Well, they had one skate that fit my son, but the other skate was MIA. We found a pair for my daughter very quickly, but my son grew impatient trying on skates. Then, he decided he wanted white skates, like his sister. She did not want hockey skates because she wanted "girl" skates (white figure skates). There was a pair of white figure skates that fit my son, and he was happy with them. We took them. My husband was not happy. My argument was that my son was three. Plus, boys figure skate. My husband said that was "mom reasoning".

My husband told me the story of how his mom bought him a blue angel bike, and he was happy with it until the other kids pointed out it was a girls' bike. Again, my son is three. There are kids his age who sometimes say, that's for girls or for boys, but usually we don't have issues. Sometimes his sister might say something, but I tell her he can play with or wear what he wants. He only has an older sister for a sibling. He plays with her toys, and dresses up in her costumes. He is particularly fond of the Tinkerbell one.

Our next stop, after the skate exchange, was Old Navy. Both of my children were busy trying on women's shoes while I searched for tops. My husband found us, and shook his head when he saw his son in sparkly gold ballet flats. Mommy does not have a selection of shoes for them to try at home, so they have to take advantage of the opportunity when it arises in a clothing store.

At Toy R Us, my daughter automatically gravitated toward the Barbie, princess, and Dora toys. My son kept picking out trains, dinosaurs, and superhero figurines. They both played with the Dino Train toys, and liked the Lego stuff, but when it comes to toys, they usually pick the gender stereotypic toys. When asked to pick one toy (a gift from their uncle), my son ended up with a T. rex, and my daughter agreed to Flynn Rider, after mom nixed yet another Barbie doll. She seemed fixated on mermaids yesterday.

My children play well together. Their imaginative play is not overtly boy or girl skewed. They often like pretending they are magic, or royalty. My son will be the knight, and fight the dragon. My daughter will be the princess. However, they also like to imitate the make believe stories they see on Stella and Sam, Dora, or Diego. They will travel back in time to play dinosaurs. They have a kitchen, and both make pretend cupcakes, and pizza. They love to make music.

When we got home, I tried the skates my daughter had from school on my son. Since they are adjustable, they fit him. He still seemed to like the white ones better. I will see if we can keep the school's skates for the winter. They were given to my daughter for the season. Now, we have to sharpen all of the blades and clean the rust off of them. They were not well taken care of. Wipe you blades after skating, people!

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Is it too much to ask for some politeness?

It is our responsibility as parents to model appropriate social interactions to our children. We should be teaching them to use the words "please" and "thank you", and to be courteous to others, not just people older than them. As a teacher, I have encountered many students who show no respect to anyone, let alone the teachers in their school.

We call this generation the "entitled" generation. Students often give the reply that I have not "earned" their respect, so why should they give it unconditionally. However, there is probably nothing I can do or say to gain the respect of these individuals. I often wonder what they will be like when they enter the real world. Likely, very angry, rude people.

We have entered into an era of parenting where we like to include our children in decision making. We want to empower them, and make them feel as though they are taking control of their lives. Very often, this spills over into how teachers are expected to manage their classroom. We will come up with classroom expectations through consensus. So, the children who are given free reign at home expect to have free reign at school.

The thing is, we are the parents and adults. We should know better than our children. If I asked my kids what they would like to eat for supper, and let them decide every day, we would have something my daughter could put syrup on, candies, or ice cream. If she had the choice of staying home or going to school, she would rather stay at home. She would love to watch television all day, or play Barbies.

I feed her fruits and vegetables and she has to eat them if she wants dessert. We teach our children how to live well and how to interact well with others. We show our children how to share. We show them that giving can be as rewarding as receiving. We have to show them exercise is good for you and sports can be rewarding. But, they need to learn these skills. It is our responsibility to teach them.

Maggie Mamen said we need to parent as benevolent dictators. We are supposed to know better than our children. I realize this might not be the case in some situations, but generally, as adults we have more experience. We have better judgement. We know what is better for our children than they do. We know why we cannot go to Disney World for the weekend, and it is not because we want to squash all the joy out of childhood.

If, over the years, your children develop a maturity and are capable of helping out around the house, without prompting, they may have demonstrated they are capable of making good decisions on their own. However, we still need to be careful about how much freedom we give our teens. Teens are not adults, and they are still creating new neural connections, and dealing with hormonal changes. We want our teens to learn independence, but we don't want to give them so much freedom they end up in perilous or compromising situations.

The problem teachers have to deal with is meeting each students' needs in a classroom of 30 students. We are being asked to create personalized lessons for students, yet teach them in large groups. Often, students are questioning why they need to learn the particular course material. Until we can have a teacher for each student, we will have complaints about our education system. There is never going to be a way to please all students in your classroom. And, this shoud not be the goal.

We need to engage our students, but not all lessons will be engaging to all students. We need to teach our students some patience. Unfortuately, our current technological devices are conditioning students to have short attention spans. They are "easily" bored. If many students had their way, they would be home playing video games with their buddies. There are very few jobs that will allow you to live your life playing video games.

There is a bigger problem with how our society is set up that is creating the entitled attitude in our children. My parents worked hard to have more than their parents. My parents were able to provide me and my brother with everything we needed to have a happy childhood. We got things, but not whenever we asked for something. If I needed new clothes my parents would get it for me, but I did not expect my parents to give me everything and anything I asked for. Good behaviour was rewarded. Politeness and courteousness was noted.

Start with the basics. Expect your child to say "please" and "thank you". Teach your children to greet their elders when they say hi. Expect your children to eat a family meal at the dinner table. Expect your children to clean up their messes. Teach your children to treat others as they would like to be treated. Teach them if they cannot say something to someone's face, it should not be said. Do not make excuses for them if they do something rude or hurtful. They need to be prepared to suffer the consequences. Teach them that if there are rules, they need to follow them.

Actions and words have consequences. We need our kids to realize this. We need to teach them.

http://www.pamperedchildsyndrome.ca/

 

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Feast or Famine

It is either all or nothing with me. I find a series of books or television shows that I like, and it's all I do for a few weeks. Same goes with cooking and baking. I love cooking and baking, but sometimes, I just let it slide, and get lazy with meal preparation. Not today.

This week, my playgroups are limited, so what do you do with a restless three year old instead of plunking him in front of the TV? Take him grocery shopping to get the ingredients for a weeks' worth of meals. Actually, I only bought ingredients for three recipes, but odds are my children are not going to eat any of what I have prepared, so we are looking at lots of leftovers.

Today's Parent has been having a "weeks' worth of meals" feature for a while now. Sometimes they have a shopping list to go along with the recipes. I decided to prepare a couple of meals ahead of time, and get ingredients for a third meal. I know, this might not sound like a novel idea for you super organized people. A friend of mine plans her family meals every weekend, and shops accordingly. How clever. Then there are those who get the flyers, shop, and prepare meals based on the sales. How economical.

This is not me. I am a spur of the moment kind of person when it comes to meals. Either that, or I get in my head I want to make a particular meal, and that is what we are having, regardless of whether I have the ingredients in the house. We have a grocery store five minutes down the road, so I never worry about having stuff at home. I could probably cut my grocery bills down if I were more organized.

I made a gluten free "lasagna", but not really because I could not find corn tortillas, and had to use whole wheat ones instead. It was supposed to have swiss chard, but I used kale. Actually, I finally discovered a fast way to get the kale leaves from the stem by running my hand down the stalk. This could make kale chips a lot easier to make. I love kale chips. I didn't say I had a well stocked grocery store down the road, but we have a store none the less. This is going to be Thursday's meal, before swimming lessons.

Next, I made a lentil "meatloaf". This is going to be today's meal. The kids have gymnastics at 5pm, so we are eating before, and they have a bath after. Not sure if anyone in the family is going to eat the meatloaf, but it looks tasty. I will probably have to lie to my husband and say it is real meatloaf. Not sure what to serve it with. Potatoes?

Meal update: my son tried it, but didn't like the shredded carrots, and left the rest on his plate. My daughter finally came to the table, looked at her plate, said, "Je n'aime pas ça!", and ended up finishing the rest of her lunch. My husband was about to take a bite, then looked at me, and asked, "This does not actually have any meat, does it? You are so cruel." He did eat it with ketchup, though. I enjoyed it.

The third meal, for tomorrow, is a pork stir fry with peppers, snap peas, and an orange ginger sauce. This is a soy free recipe. My kids like peppers, and usually eat pork tenderloin, so it might get eaten.

Right now, I am baking chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. I saw the recipe on the oats this morning, and since we have no cookies in the house, I decided to make them. I have been so busy cooking and baking, I did not have a chance to eat much for lunch. I am starving right now, but we are going to have supper soon. I will have to wait.

I fed my son when we got home from shopping, and started prepping the meals. He played in his room for a while, and I thought I lucked out because things quieted down. But, two minutes later he claimed he had finished sleeping. I know he needs a nap, so I tried to convince him to stay put until the timer goes. He had a little fit, and after I calmed him down, he did eventually fall asleep, and didn't wake with the timer. Sneaky mom.

So, I am now somewhat organized for the rest of the week. Do not expect me to come up with anything for supper on Friday. We are probably having leftovers...and chocolate chip oatmeal cookies for dessert. Oh, they would make a great ice cream sandwich base. Yum!

 

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Trying to Catch Up on a Year's Worth of Culture

When I was younger, I sort of kept up with the movie and music scene. I would buy new music from artists I like. I would go to the movies on a fairly regular basis. I would even read new books. But, as the years went by, I stopped buying music. We rarely go to the movies. Even with Netflix, I have a difficult time keeping up with the latest releases (or as is the case of Canadian Netflix, catch up with movies released a few years ago).

The thing is, there are always artists out there creating new art. Music, books, movies, video games, television shows. We only have so much time to enjoy these things. Add to this, real life. We want to (should) get out and experience the real world as well. Travel, exercise, spend time with friends and family. Some of the cultural activities can be enjoyed with other people, like going to the movies, but if you want to read a book, it requires a bit of hermitting.

I used to listen to the radio a lot. Usually CBC was my way of finding out about new musicians. The problem is the only time I get to listen to the radio is in the car. I find listening to the radio requires some attention, and if I am reading, or watching TV, I am not hearing the radio. If I am playing with my children, I am usually not engaged in what is on the radio either. I have discussed why I love to listen to podcasts while exercising already.

As this is the beginning of the year, many people have been compiling "best of the year" lists. Jian Ghomeshi has a list on the Q blog of the top 20 albums for 2012. Once again, I find myself not recognizing many of the artists. I have heard of half of the musicians, and probably have only heard songs from a quarter of the albums on the list. It saddens me a little, as I used to keep up with new music. I am not talking top 40 hits here, as you may have surmised.

In Sudbury, the only radio stations not playing Top 40 are the CBC frequencies. At year end, you can hear American Top 40, and Rick D's so many times you will be singing the songs before they air. What I am sad about is not keeping up with the amazing musicians who do not always make it to the Top 40, and rarely get air time around here.

When we are down in Toronto, I tend to listen to 102.1 The Edge because they play music not heard up here. They will play Metric, Of Men and Monster, and Mumford and Sons. The rock station in Sudbury still plays Bon Jovi from the 80s. If you were missing out on hearing You Give Love a Bad Name, listen to Q92 and you'll be sure to hear it at least once a day. The radio music scene is dismal in smaller towns, and I love CBC for changing this.

My father listens to The Signal, on CBC Radio 2, with Laurie Brown. You might remember her from Much Music, again back in the 80s. I might have to start listening to her. What I heard while visiting my parents was great. For now, my goal is to listen to at least one song from each of the albums Jian reccomended. I think I might be able to find video, or audio on the Q website.

http://www.cbc.ca/q/blog/qs-top-20-albums-of-2012/


 

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Apple is Not Very Green, at Least Not Environmentally

I like my iPad. I used to love it, but now Apple is on the fourth generation, and my two year old iPad seems antiquated. My husband bought me an original iPad for my birthday two years ago. We had no idea Apple was releasing the iPad 2 in March until the following day when his best friend, an Apple fan, told us he was waiting for its release. I was not sure about the logistics of returning my iPad since I had already opened and started using it. Besides, at the time, the original iPad was good enough for my needs.

Yes, iPad 2 had a camera, and you could Facetime with friends and family, but we did not know anyone else with an iPad with whom we would Facetime. iPad 2 has the snazzy magnetic cover that puts it to sleep, but I can handle pushing the button to do that. My iPad is larger, but having never handled the slimmer version, it does not make a difference to me. Like I said, my original iPad was great for what I do. It still is, but...

I recently realized I am using obsolete technology in the eyes of Apple. They no longer make the original iPad. They are also no longer making software updates for the original iPad. The last update has caused issues for some users, making the device slower and not as enjoyable to use. Apparently, this is a ploy to get those of us who do not upgrade every new release to finally upgrade. The crazy thing is, my device is barely two years old! I cannot afford to buy a new iPad every year, or, in some cases, every six months. Those of you who bought the third generation are probably steaming mad.

Now, I do not need more apps for my device. I probably can still use everything on my iPad without the software updates, but I find it ridiculous, after two years, Apple is essentially trying to force me to upgrade. I have the 16G iPad, and I often have to delete things from my device to update, or try out new apps. We spent a lot of money to get the "low end" version of the iPad. I do not have the kind of money to keep buying new ones every year. Plus, it is wasteful.

What do I do with my old iPad? I know there are companies specializing in recycling electronics, but I would like to be able to use something for more than two years before throwing it out. Why would someone else want an older iPad if no one is making apps or updates for it anymore?

I have not updated my cell phone in six years. No, I do not have a smart phone. I have a pay as you go phone. I do not need access to the internet at all times. My phone receives and sends texts and phone calls. What else do I need my phone to do? I have an iPad for all the rest. The only way I would upgrade my phone would be when I find a new phone with a decent camera, otherwise, I see no point.

We love our technology, and it has definitely changed how we interact with each other. I just wish we would not be forced to get new technology so often. Companies are trying to make a profit, but they also need to be environmentally responsible. Sabotaging devices so users will upgrade is a despicable practice. Apple used to be the underdog, but they are certainly no longer.

I know many other companies are guilty of the same thing. Appliances used to last forever, but now when you buy new things, they give a lifespan of ten years or less. We buy more energy efficient appliances, but if you have to replace them more often, you are creating more waste, and expending more energy in the creation of the new appliances.

For now, my original iPad is functioning well, and I can use it to do the things I want. I am able to blog, check my email, read books, and watch TV or movies. Maybe, in a few years, I will buy a new tablet, but I am not guaranteeing it will be a new iPad. If there are other tablets out there with better functionality, and longevity, I might switch. The only appeal in staying with Apple is keeping my purchased apps, but 80% of my apps were free. For now, these constant upgrades of devices is less appealing, not more.

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"Kids Movie" too Adult?

On New Year's Day, our family went to the movies. The choice of children's films were Rise of the Guardians, Monsters Inc., and Wreck It Ralph. We decided to go to Wreck It Ralph. I had not seen any commercials for Guardians, and had no idea what it was about. We have Monsters Inc. at home. Granted, it is not in 3D, but we wanted to see a first run movie. This was the first time out at the movies since Toy Story 3.

This means my son is now as old as my daughter was when we saw Toy Story 3. This was his first movie experience where he sat and watched the movie. I spent much of Toy Story 3 feeding him Cheerios, and eventually nursing him, to keep him non disruptive. He has seen many movies in the last two years, but not in the cinema. He seemed to enjoy Wreck It Ralph.

My daughter, on the other hand, was either scared or sad throughout the movie, or possibly both. Wreck It Ralph is about video games. For those of us who grew up in the 80s, it is quite a nostalgic film. There are a lot of inside jokes. One reviewer for the Globe and Mail said if you know who QBert is, you will be in the right demographic to appreciate this movie. Plenty of fun for the parents who have decided to take their children out to the movies.

There is a video game represented in the movie which is essentially a Halo knock off. I do not let my husband, an avid gamer, play his violent, first person shooter games in front of our children. My kids also tend to watch fairly benign television shows. Their favourite is Stella and Sam (Stella et Sacha, en français). I let them watch mini TFO. We have kids movies for them to watch, but they usually gravitate to Dora, Caillou, and a french cartoon called Sam Sam. Most of what they watch has no violence in it. Sometimes, they might watch some of Dad's He-Man, or Thundercats, or Amazing Spiderman, and see some occasional cartoon fighting. The swarming Cybugs in Hero's Duty were a bit much for my daughter.

I think my son didn't mind it because there was a lot of "Fi-uing". You know, the sound a gun makes, probably in Star Wars, FI-U! FI-U! Plus, I have an inkling he's seen Daddy play some shooting video games. My daughter is very sensitive. She was overwhelmed emotionally during Kung Fu Panda 2 when the mother had to abandon Po. I think she was also sad during Wreck It Ralph when she realized Vanellope might have to stay behind in the game. She was sobbing in my lap, and I had to tell her it would work out. But, she said the insects scared her too. She was not a huge fan of the film.

Many of the films nowadays labelled as kids movies have a lot of violence, and sex humour geared towards an older audience. I know parents do not want to go see The Care Bear movie, or Barbie Charm School, but what happened to the good old family film? The Muppets made some great movies, and often had humour parents could appreciate without it necessarily being vulgar. I still love watching The Wizard of Oz, and Mary Poppins.

As has happened with cartoons on TV, many of the animated films are designed for an older audience. Rango was not really a kids movie, despite being animated. Cars 2 had a plot as complicated as any Mission Impossible movie. My daughter came out of that one with the statement, sometimes the number one car won the race, sometimes Lightning McQueen did. The mystery held no interest for her.

So, what are some recent, wonderful family movies everyone would be entertained watching? Where are the movies like The Princess Bride, and E.T.? It seems as though these types of movies are being made less often. There was a time, 10 or 15 years ago, and earlier, when it was not difficult to find quality family entertainment. I am not a prude, but I want to keep my kids young as long as possible. I do not want them jaded before their time.

My parents took us to see movies like Amadeus and Out of Africa when we were younger. They were mature films, but they dealt with subjects in a way that was not frightening, or overwhelming for younger viewers. Now, movies are all flash, and bang. Lots of violence. Pretty to look at, but lacking substance. It is a sad statement if I think today's kids movies are too "old" for my children, and I would have no problem showing them a movie like Amadeus.

 

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