I was listening to the radio yesterday, and a researcher came on talking about the validity of breast cancer treatments. As he was speaking, I wondered what would have happened if I had chosen to continue my studies in science, and completed a Masters or even obtained a Ph. D. Both my mother and father found vocations you could say had been their calling. My mother was a nurse, and my father is an über scientist. I got three Bachelor degrees (Science, Forestry, and Education), and I am currently a stay at home mom. My next thought was, if I had stayed to do a Masters at UBC, I would not have the family I have right now. I probably would still be living in Vancouver, very far away from my family.
It is difficult to regret choices you made in your life because they all led to where you are right now. Some of what is happening right now might not be the greatest, but there are people around you, and experiences you've had that you could not imagine not being there. Our choices and circumstances have led us to this place. If you are not happy with where you are, change your future, but do not regret your past.
One incident in particular holds a lot of bitterness for me. I was days from having a permanent teaching position when I was passed up for someone they claimed had more experience. I was blindsided because the only reason I did not get the job was because I was too expensive to hire. The board hired a brand new teacher, who was at least $10,000 more "affordable". She was not more experienced. Maybe if the position had not been a government initiative, with a set amount of funding, it would have been different.
I was pissed off and ended up taking a job working as an interpreter for the Lake Laurentian Conservation Area. It was a significant pay decrease, but it was a job, and I was still teaching, despite not being in a school setting. The position was only for three months. It was over by November. Being off work enabled me to stay with my parents in Oakville for a couple of weeks in early December.
My husband and I had been having trouble conceiving. We had met with the specialist in the summer, but the timing did not work well because we got married in August, and had a family reunion in July, both occurring around the weeks I needed to be monitored for fertility treatments. If I had had a permanent teaching position, it would have been unlikely I would have taken the time off late fall to pursue treatments, even with my growing frustration at not getting pregnant naturally.
There were two things I wanted more than anything the fall of 2006. I wanted to start my teaching career again, and I wanted to start a family. I was obsessing about being 35 and childless. For some reason the age 35 was worse to me than 36, but not only that. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to have a family more than be a teacher.
Our first and only treatment was successful. I conceived my daughter (thank goodness only my daughter because I had 18 ovules ready to go) through IUI shortly before my 34th birthday. Then, I was lucky enough to land two long term teaching positions from January to June, with enough of a break between the two contracts to visit friends in Winnipeg. I was able to claim a full year's worth of EI as maternity leave with my daughter. I conceived my son a couple of month's into the following school year.
So, no point regretting what happened to me because it allowed me to have my two children, and have the family I wanted so badly. But, what do I do now? My father is starting his second book. My mother had a fulfilling career as an occupational health nurse. I never quite found the thing I could be passionate about. I wanted to be a photographer, a singer, a marine biologist, an ecologist. If I had any talent, it would be have been fantastic to be a "kindie" musician or a writer. I still think I could write French children's songs, but I am not a musician. I am trying to write this blog, but who am I kidding? Everyone has a blog.
I fell into teaching. I was kind of doing it during university, through summer jobs. I enjoyed teaching when I had my own class. I do not particularly enjoy it right now. Daily subbing is stressful. Taking over some else's class for a few weeks or months is stressful. Cleaning up after less than stellar teachers is stressful. Dealing with the entitled generation is stressful.
I had even resigned myself to being a permanent substitute teacher, but the last couple of years have been quite dry. It has not been so bad because I have been able to stay home with my children. My son starts school in September, full time, and I have no idea what I am going to do. I think about trying something else, but I am 40. I really do not feel like starting over from scratch.
I search the job bank. I try to figure out if there is something I am truly good at, that would be fulfilling, and pay me. I write my blog, and wonder if I will be able to start writing a book about my mom when both kids are in school. I so desperately want to honour my mother who is quickly disappearing. For now, I need to figure out what can be, instead of what could have been.
By the way, don't get too excited about my father's books. Unless you are in his specific field, it will be of no interest to you. But, he did dedicate the book to all of us, kids and grandkids.
http://www.springer.com/materials/mechanics/book/978-1-4471-4194-5
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