I suppose my parents' generation had the potential of being a part this phenomenon, but not so much as our generation. I was lucky enough to have both of my grandmothers around until I was in university. Unfortunately, one grandmother lived in Trinidad, so we hardly saw her. The other, my Oma, lived in Canada, but when we did visit her, it was not a pleasant experience. She was critical of the way our parents had raised us, and instead of spoiling us, she chastised us. Both my grandmothers were in relatively good health, up until they died.
My parents are getting older, as we all are, but in the last few years, their mortality has finally hit home. I had children at an older age, and both of them are under six years old. My mother was an older mom too. I recently turned 40, but I think the realization that my parents are in their 70s was a harder hit. My kids have an older mom, but much older grandparents. I assumed my folks would be around for another decade or so because my own grandmothers lasted until their mid 80s. It is looking as though we might have to consider the possibility of a home for my mother, sooner rather than later.
My mother was diagnosed a couple years ago with borderline dementia. She has not officially been assessed in two years, but whatever she has has progressed to the point that I fear my children will not have their grandmother with them in a few years. Even if she is still living, she will not be the person she was. She, of course, is in denial about her illness. When she is lucid, she thinks she is getting better. When she is not lucid, she does not realize she is not.
I think the most upsetting aspect of this situation is that my children will never get to really know my mother. My children are fortunate to have all four grandparents, living and relatively healthy. I never knew my grandfathers, and my children luckily have both of theirs. Unfortunately, both of their grandmothers have health issues, dementia and a pace maker. My kids might be young when they lose their grandmothers, but old enough to have, and remember, feelings of loss.
I sometimes wish I lived closer to my parents so I could help out my dad. His solution to the situation with my mother is to keep himself healthy, but that might not be his choice. So far, he is doing okay, but he is accident prone. And, who knows, maybe he will get sick too. I think, at the very least, he needs to enlist the help of friends and neighbours. He does not want to upset my mother because she does not want people to know what is happening to her. I joke that she will be angry for a few minutes, but then forget that her friends know. This is probably the reality of the situation.
My father also has to come to grips with the fact that he is now a caregiver. I said my mom needs a "playgroup", and in a sense she does. She needs routine, and something to keep her engaged. My kids are becoming more and more independent, but I still need to take them to structured activities to keep them engaged and occupied. My dad can no longer leave my mom to fend for herself. She is becoming less and less independent, much to her chagrin.
He is going to have to modify his life so he can spend it with her. Otherwise, he needs to convince her she needs a companion/health care worker to spend time with her. Again, the loss of independence will make it difficult to convince my mother that she needs help. She is still resentful of my father for not letting her take her driver's test a third time. My mom should not be driving, and will never pass a driver's test, but she blames my dad for the lss of her driver's license.
I will be spending a week with them after the long weekend. It seems to me that my mother is steamrolling downhill, and I want to spend as much time with her as possible. She is especially confused by abstract concepts like time, and I find phone conversations are becoming more and more difficult. I would like her to have more physical presence with my children.
This is such a frustrated disease, and I hate how quickly it seems to be progressing. I fear for her safety. I do not think she should ever be left alone. Dad wants to keep her home as long as possible, but that means he has to give up a lot of his freedom. He did not have to worry too much about this when we were kids because my mom was there. He has now become a single parent, and we know how tough of a job that is. Now, imagine parenting your spouse. This sucks.
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